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Valentine's Day Variability by Author Zack Love

Like birthdays and New Year's, Valentine's Day can make you feel a lot better or worse than you're already feeling.

If you're happily in love, Valentine's encourages you and your lover
to celebrate your joint bliss together. You might even secretly share
a certain schadenfreude, if you happen to notice someone who's alone.
Seeing loneliness is a powerful reminder of how fortunate you are to
have love. And on V-Day, you and your lover can shamelessly flaunt
your happiness about being in love. The rest of the world — and its
reaction to you — really doesn't matter because you're both
ridiculously high on love crack.

But if you're single, Valentine's can take your emotions in very
different directions. You might think about that person you should
have been with on this day but for some tragedy, bad luck, or
break-up. A prior V-Day that seemed infinitely happier may come to
mind. You could reflect on that awkward but potentially romantic
moment that you and someone else never explored, making you wonder
what might have been. Or you might CELEBRATE the fact that you're not
stuck in some miserable relationship and forced to display a facade of
joy for everyone.

If you're single by choice, then you have one major dilemma (as with
birthdays and New Year's): WITH WHOM should you celebrate this
occasion? You obviously don't want to waste it on a first date. But
what if your friends are all with their lovers and/or unavailable?
Perhaps staying home is better than risking a bad first date on V-Day.
But then you're at home alone watching TV on Valentine's Day, and that
could be really depressing, unless Breaking Bad or Dexter is on, which
might distract you for a bit. No easy answers. Maybe there's a mobile
app for that.

Now if you're a guy, you're dealing with various pressures and
expenses that are entirely the fault of V-Day. More precisely, they're
the fault of the chocolate, greeting card, and flower businesses that
depend on these pressures and have brainwashed women into thinking
that if you don't BUY SOMETHING for them on Valentine's, then you
don't love them. This powerful brainwashing is akin to the kind used
by the diamond industry (which has somehow convinced the world that if
a man loves a woman, he will spend many thousands of dollars to buy
her a diamond that she can show to her friends and family).

And even if you're a guy who somehow found a woman who's impervious to
the brainwashing from billboards, magazines, pop culture, and social
media, she will still have girlfriends who have been brainwashed. And
so this exceedingly rare woman you found will probably be corrupted.
Because there is one thing that you cannot avoid: she will communicate
with her girlfriends, and they will compare notes. And that will be
your downfall. So you need to budget for 2/14, or for several hours of
quarreling that may or may not end with make-up sex. Best to plan
ahead.

I've always wondered how chocolate became so important on V-Day. It's
actually a bit counter-intuitive on some level. I mean, I'm a total
sucker for dark chocolate on any day of the year, but if Valentine's
is all about love, which normally involves sexual attraction, and
excess chocolate tends to fatten people (which could make them less
sexually attractive), then why are we encouraging chocolate on V-Day?
I don't get it. Maybe giving chocolate says: “I will love you even
after making you fat.”

And what about flowers? OK, they smell nice. But then they shrivel up
and die on you in a few days. What kind of love is that? Why not get
plastic flowers that last forever? I guess they'd feel a bit fake and
aren't biodegradable, so nix that idea. Better plan: Bonsai trees.
Those plants last a long time. True, they aren't really fragrant, but
which brain-washer decided that we need fragrance on V-Day? Can't you
just spray some perfume on the Bonsai and then you've solved that
problem?


Can you tell what a romantic guy I am? Probably because I've been
stuck in my writing cave for FAR longer than is socially acceptable. I
need to get out more and buy some chocolates and flowers for someone.
Will you be my Valentine?



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